She gently pulled open the zipper to the door of her tent, making sure no one or thing had made it's nest on the bed, before climbing in and closing the entrance behind her.
Once again, she would make this humble aboad her own tonight. She reminded herself she wasn't homeless, and thanked the good Lord for a roof over her head, a good mattress and warm cover for the cool of the night, and for the mesh screens of the tent. She was grateful that it was approaching Fall, and not Winter, and that she was in a safe woods near her sisters house, not somewhere in the wilderness.
This place had become her home for more than a week now, with the rest of her belongings stuffed into her lovely green Honda. Yes, her cloths were often wrinkled and sometimes she couldn't find her white pearl earrings, but at least she had food, clothing, and shelter! And most of all, she was not alone, because her Abba Father is with her, and in every space around her, even a tent.
Her feelings surprised her. Hadn't she thought that a living in a tent until she came across the right place would be fine, even an adventure? But alas, it was quite unsettling and brought to surface a deep insecurity and reality that she didn't belong. Or did she? Yes she always belonged, yes to the one who created her, adopted her, chose her, and loved her unconditionally. Even in a tent...she belonged.
So that day, she chose to feel the reality of her circumstances, feel the sadness and loss of not having a place to call home, but then to worship, and ask her Heavenly Father once again, to meet her needs. He was always good. Even in a tent.
He always loved her. Even in a tent.
She was not alone. Even in a tent.
And she was growing, learning, and being strengthened. Even in a tent.
Sunday, August 28, 2016
Tuesday, August 9, 2016
Year of Bliss
It's been 16 months since I last visited this place...wow!
16 challenging, beautiful, life changing months. Long story short, last August, my cousin and I attended a 4 day Single Life Workshop, with Nothing Hidden Ministries.
I came away so changed and inspired inside, with this deep desire to not only go deeper, but be discipled for a season. I don't think I'll ever be the same again.
The workshop was about learning to have healthy relationship with the opposite sex, dealing with issues, and learning to communicate in honest and open ways. It was also about the Holy Spirit.
Some very deep lies that I had believed about my self, about men, and some of the shame from past abuse, was shattered by truth. A part of me came alive, a part I didn't even know existed. For the fist time in forever, I felt courage to stand with my team and share my story, the short version, and how these truths had given me courage. It was an amazing week!
This experience led to me pursuing attending Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry in Cleveland, OH. It is an equipping school, where they teach and equip students to pursue the presence of God, grow in their identity as children of God, then live out of that place as they minister and love wherever they are. There is a lot of focus on the life of Jesus and how He ministered and lived and walked, healed, and changed atmospheres wherever He was. For me it was all of the above, plus a lot of deep healing from bondage, freedom from my past, being discipled and mentored by incredible men and women, and growing into a deeper place of worship and adoration for God as my Father.
I came away with an even deeper desire to share hope, see people set free, and boldly pray for the stranger I meet in the store.
It's been 3 months since graduation, and I continue to seek out how I can glorify Jesus in my every day life. Some days I feel like I have no idea what His plan is for me, or if I'm crazy. Some days are tiring, and I'm confused by the lies of the enemy. But, most days, I just love being a daughter of the King Jesus, and I just wanna love love love, worship in the way I live out service, care, and joy. He is so real, so tangible, more than I ever knew possible on this side of Heaven. He is part of Heaven, the part that we get to carry and experience, the part that we get to freely share, the part that was fully paid for on the cross, by His life, with His blood.
Before I left for Ohio, I felt this deep question in my soul, do we as children of God, experience the fullness of that price? Is there a birthright that is ours, that we haven't fully received, aren't fully living into? What does it mean" Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest?"
What is it all about, if we are staying stuck in depression, anxiety, hopelessness, and sorrow?
I felt this gnawing at me, and a whispering in my spirit, that there is more, that there are no limits, that we are called to be a people of worship, adoration, hope, and light...because of Jesus. In my journey of pursuit after His heart this year, God took me to a place of depth that was so satisfying and so beautiful that part of me felt I couldn't contain it. So deep it was that the depression that had haunted and held me chains for so many year, melted in the light of His glory. I had thought I'd have to live with it for the rest of my life, but still held onto a small hope that it one day would leave me, let me be fully free from it's dark grips. But to really experience that freedom, was beyond my dreams.
And this other place, of brokenness and hidden layers of pain from the absence of an earthly father. My entire life, I have felt that something was missing, as a child, I didn't know what it was, but as I grew, I longed for the embrace and presence of a father. I would see girls with their dads, playing, talking, doing life together, and something inside me would weep and ache with loss. In recent years, as I processed the childhood abuse, I wondered, what would it have been like to have been protected by a father, would these things have happened? God began to show me areas of forgiveness, hate, and feelings of abandonment, some of which I didn't even know were there, and others that I simply didn't know how to let go of.
When I let Jesus be my friend, that helped so much, but this year it went even deeper. My understanding of God as a Father had never really clicked. It was always Jesus, or Holy spirit the Comforter. But God, wasn't He more distant?
I began to realize that Father God was indeed full of power, majesty, and greatness, but that He also had the heart of a Father in nature. He began to show me beautiful glimpses of His Father heart. And something happened inside me. In those moments when I longed for a father's embrace, or to be heard, and known, I started to take those needs to Him, and ask Him to meet them. The grace that happened, when allowing Him to meet those needs, was unbelievable. I still need father hugs, and love them every time a father figure gifts them to me, but it's no longer a need I want to fill only through a human being.
I could go on and on. But this is all for today.
I honestly don't know what this year will hold, but I'm excited to see how it unfolds, through difficulty, joys, and just life...
There is much grace.
His gal.
16 challenging, beautiful, life changing months. Long story short, last August, my cousin and I attended a 4 day Single Life Workshop, with Nothing Hidden Ministries.
I came away so changed and inspired inside, with this deep desire to not only go deeper, but be discipled for a season. I don't think I'll ever be the same again.
The workshop was about learning to have healthy relationship with the opposite sex, dealing with issues, and learning to communicate in honest and open ways. It was also about the Holy Spirit.
Some very deep lies that I had believed about my self, about men, and some of the shame from past abuse, was shattered by truth. A part of me came alive, a part I didn't even know existed. For the fist time in forever, I felt courage to stand with my team and share my story, the short version, and how these truths had given me courage. It was an amazing week!
This experience led to me pursuing attending Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry in Cleveland, OH. It is an equipping school, where they teach and equip students to pursue the presence of God, grow in their identity as children of God, then live out of that place as they minister and love wherever they are. There is a lot of focus on the life of Jesus and how He ministered and lived and walked, healed, and changed atmospheres wherever He was. For me it was all of the above, plus a lot of deep healing from bondage, freedom from my past, being discipled and mentored by incredible men and women, and growing into a deeper place of worship and adoration for God as my Father.
I came away with an even deeper desire to share hope, see people set free, and boldly pray for the stranger I meet in the store.
It's been 3 months since graduation, and I continue to seek out how I can glorify Jesus in my every day life. Some days I feel like I have no idea what His plan is for me, or if I'm crazy. Some days are tiring, and I'm confused by the lies of the enemy. But, most days, I just love being a daughter of the King Jesus, and I just wanna love love love, worship in the way I live out service, care, and joy. He is so real, so tangible, more than I ever knew possible on this side of Heaven. He is part of Heaven, the part that we get to carry and experience, the part that we get to freely share, the part that was fully paid for on the cross, by His life, with His blood.
Before I left for Ohio, I felt this deep question in my soul, do we as children of God, experience the fullness of that price? Is there a birthright that is ours, that we haven't fully received, aren't fully living into? What does it mean" Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest?"
What is it all about, if we are staying stuck in depression, anxiety, hopelessness, and sorrow?
I felt this gnawing at me, and a whispering in my spirit, that there is more, that there are no limits, that we are called to be a people of worship, adoration, hope, and light...because of Jesus. In my journey of pursuit after His heart this year, God took me to a place of depth that was so satisfying and so beautiful that part of me felt I couldn't contain it. So deep it was that the depression that had haunted and held me chains for so many year, melted in the light of His glory. I had thought I'd have to live with it for the rest of my life, but still held onto a small hope that it one day would leave me, let me be fully free from it's dark grips. But to really experience that freedom, was beyond my dreams.
And this other place, of brokenness and hidden layers of pain from the absence of an earthly father. My entire life, I have felt that something was missing, as a child, I didn't know what it was, but as I grew, I longed for the embrace and presence of a father. I would see girls with their dads, playing, talking, doing life together, and something inside me would weep and ache with loss. In recent years, as I processed the childhood abuse, I wondered, what would it have been like to have been protected by a father, would these things have happened? God began to show me areas of forgiveness, hate, and feelings of abandonment, some of which I didn't even know were there, and others that I simply didn't know how to let go of.
When I let Jesus be my friend, that helped so much, but this year it went even deeper. My understanding of God as a Father had never really clicked. It was always Jesus, or Holy spirit the Comforter. But God, wasn't He more distant?
I began to realize that Father God was indeed full of power, majesty, and greatness, but that He also had the heart of a Father in nature. He began to show me beautiful glimpses of His Father heart. And something happened inside me. In those moments when I longed for a father's embrace, or to be heard, and known, I started to take those needs to Him, and ask Him to meet them. The grace that happened, when allowing Him to meet those needs, was unbelievable. I still need father hugs, and love them every time a father figure gifts them to me, but it's no longer a need I want to fill only through a human being.
I could go on and on. But this is all for today.
I honestly don't know what this year will hold, but I'm excited to see how it unfolds, through difficulty, joys, and just life...
There is much grace.
His gal.
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